Deep Breaths
by notaneggplant
Summary: Alex and Piper... and baby makes three.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: All the characters are not mine. Anything similar to other OITNB fics out there are purely coincidental.  
**

**NOTE: So. This is happening. Apologies if I screwed up the timeline. Feel free to leave comments and feedbacks.  
Special mention to _pratzwrites_ (check out her fanfics and her tumblr. She's rad) and _theinevitablepipex_ for the inspiration.**

* * *

They were sitting in bed. Piper was propped against Alex's chest, head leaning onto the empty space of her chest, with fingers tracing Alex's arm up and down, barely touching. She was staring at the muted TV, but her eyes were blank and not registering anything the talk show host was doing. Alex was too engrossed with the book, but she didn't mind the company.

"Al."  
"Hmm?"  
"Wouldn't it be nice if we have some kids?"

Behind her, the book closed with a loud thud, and although Piper couldn't see it, she knew by habit that Alex's eyes would be as wide as a Pekingese. She took a moment mulling over her thought before turning to Alex.

"Where did this come from?"  
Where, indeed.

They've spoken early on in their marriage that they simply didn't have the time and energy for children. But that was years ago. This was a different time, and they're in a different place. Every time Piper would see Finn or Maggie, she would look at them with such longing and would begin to wonder if it would be a good idea to have some of her own. _Our kids would rock._ That's what Alex had said when she proposed, but suppose that was more of a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing. They've never really brought it up since.

"I had lunch with Polly and she brought Finn and Maggie with her."  
Alex reached for the remote and turned off the TV. "I've seen the way you look at those kids. Even I have to admit that they're adorable."

"Seriously, don't you think it would be a good idea?" she turned and was fully facing Alex now, sitting on the brunette's lap. Alex went quiet, but then gave Piper a nonchalant shrug the way she always does whenever she felt like she didn't want to discuss a subject any further.

"No, not really."

Piper could feel her heart dropped to her stomach. Her voice was low, barely a whisper, not sure if she had heard Alex right the first time. "What?"

Alex gave her the shrug again and lifted her finger to fix her glasses. "I've never really given it much thought, but now that you've brought it up…" she shook her head, "No."

"Why?"  
"I think we're too old for kids, Pipes. And have you seen the cost to raise kids these days? It's fucking expensive. Plus just imagine all the chaos they would cause. Jesus."  
"So that's it?" Piper pulled herself away from the bed and stood up, picking up her blouse from the chair. "You're not even going to have this discussion with me? You're just going to say no?"

"I just don't think it'll be a good idea."

Piper didn't say anything but her eyes were red and her anger had hit the roof. She spotted a pillow on the edge of the bed, grabbed it, and threw it as hard as she could towards Alex. It thumped the bedframe and landed on the mattress. She didn't say anything else and stormed out. Before Alex could go after her, the phone rang.

"Jesus fucking christ," she muttered. _How did it go from a peaceful morning to a big fight? When did that happen?_ "Hello?"  
"Is she still there with you? She's late for work." Polly.  
"No, your best friend just threw a fucking pillow at me and stormed off."  
"Oh, God. What did you do?"  
"Long story. Hey, I think I'm kinda in a jam with her. Can we meet for lunch?"  
"Wow, you really screwed up, huh?"  
Alex sighed and took her glasses of, folding and hung it on her shirt. "Yeah, I think I might have."

* * *

That night, Alex got home with a Chinese takeout from Pearl's. She saw Piper sitting out in the balcony, her legs folded on her chest and looking out to the street. She took the food out of the brown bag and placed them on the table. After she'd finished, she walked to where Piper was and called for her. "I got dinner."

"I'm not hungry." Her tone was cold and flat, and if Alex didn't realize that she was being a dick earlier (to which Polly had pointed out), she did right then and there.

But she had her reasons.

"Babe."  
Piper's shoulder flinched. Alex walked over and knelt down so she could see her wife on eye-level.

"I was scared." A pause, as Alex gathered her thought. "You know how what it was like for me growing up. My mom worked round the clock. My dad was a shitty son-of-a-bitch who were never there. We were shit-ass broke. I had no one. I had no friends. I ended up being a drug smuggler, and I ended up in prison. I don't…" she grew more and more nervous and all of her sentences had balled up and turned into a big pile jumble of incoherent words and emotion, but she fought it out and put it as eloquently as she could.

"If we have a kid, or kids, I wouldn't know where to begin. I wouldn't know the first thing to do, and that freaks me out just thinking about it. What if I turned out to be a distant parent, like my dad? What if I have to work like crazy like my mom? What if I can't bond with the little guy? Or little girl? What do I do then? What if they end up with drugs like I did? God, no. I'm going to be a total shit at it, Piper, I just know it. And I'm fucking scared because I could break it, even if that's the furthest thing from my mind. I was just… I'm sorry for being a dick. I shouldn't have."

Piper's indifference slowly faded away as she heard what Alex had to explain. Maybe somewhere inside she knew why Alex acted the way she did, but by the end of it this morning she was too pissed and couldn't maintain a level head to proccess the entire thing. Besides, who says things like that out of fear? It sounded straight up like a sentimental novel.

She took Alex's hand and flashed a half-smile, still not fully forgiving Alex. "You're not going to be your parents, Alex."  
"I know…"  
"I'm not sure you do. Look," she sighed, patting Alex's hands out of habit. "I'm not saying we should get one tomorrow. I'm just saying that we've been together for a long time, and that maybe we can consider putting the idea on the table. If we think somewhere down the road that it's a go, then it's a go. If not, then it won't happen. I'm okay either way, if we're on the same page."

Alex nodded and gave Piper an apologetic smile.  
"And what you did this morning is unacceptable. Christ, Al. Why couldn't you have said all the stuff you said earlier?"  
"I went brain dead from all the panic, I guess."  
"Yeah, I guess you kinda did."

When Alex leaned in for a kiss and rested her hands on Piper's thighs, she didn't resist. "Still pissed at me?"  
"Yeah."  
Another kiss.  
"Now?"  
"Slightly better."

And so she gave another. And another. And another.

* * *

They decided that Piper would be the one carrying the baby (_Alex's words were "I'm more of a stand-by-the-delivery-table-and-cut-the-umbilical- cord type"_) and Alex would help selecting the donor. Which was easier said than done. Piper received hormone shots, had blood samples taken, and underwent ultrasound to determine whether the ovaries were in good condition. The clinic also taught both her and Alex how to do the injections at home, all the while looking for a suitable donor. "I thought it would just be all touch and go and we'll be pregnant like that." Alex confessed to Polly one day at lunch, snapping her fingers as a gesture. "But it isn't."  
"Maybe she should try natural pregnancy," Polly chuckled, and when Alex muttered 'fuck you', let out a loud laugh.

Long as it may be, they finally settled on a donor. Everything was all set and ready to go.  
On Wednesday morning, the embryos were planted.  
Two weeks later, they got a call from the clinic, telling them to come in for the test result.

"I'm very happy to tell you that your levels are up, which is an indication that you're pregnant."  
To which Piper yelped and Alex said 'holy shit' with the biggest grin on her face.

* * *

They set up everything relatively quickly and handled things pretty easily, thanks to Polly.

Week 4: the guest bedroom was turned into a nursery.

Week 6: they spotted a beautiful crib on the way home and decided to buy it.  
Alex went with Piper to her first doctor's appointment. "Kinda looks like a tadpole," she said, leaning to the monitor. Piper glared at Alex and slapped her arm.

Week 10: the baby already had more onesies than it could wear.  
Piper's morning sickness began to kick in and every time Alex would be there, rubbing her neck, giving her water, and handing her tissues when she's finished.

Week 12: They heard the heartbeat and had the first sonogram photo. Alex put it on the fridge door, like you do. She sent a copy to Nichols and Red.

Week 14: Piper kept asking for fresh pizza and donut in the middle of the night, which subsequently left Alex with very little sleep.

* * *

On a chilly New York morning, Alex had just got home and brought some groceries when she heard Piper screamed for her, her voice filled with terror. Alex dropped the bags and raced up to the 2nd floor. her mind raced in a panic and her heart felt like it was going to combust right then and there.

The first thing Alex saw was blood.


	2. Chapter 2

**Note: I forgot to make note that this entire fic is based on the epilogue I did for The Years Between. We'll get there, folks.**

* * *

Their doctor had only confirmed what they both already knew, and by then Piper had no more tears left. She sat on the examination bed, legs still propped on the stirrups with Alex standing by her side and squeezing her hand. The look on her face was blank. Exhausted. Numb. He explained that these things happen, and they wouldn't know the real reason why until they conduct further testing. Piper shook her head and said 'no' in a faint whisper.

The morning sickness had gone almost instantly, but the bleeding didn't stop for another two weeks. Every time it felt like a cruel reality punch to the stomach. She wished her whole body would just forget and let her go on without having to be reminded of the whole ordeal.  
Polly had wanted to visit as soon as she heard the news, and so did Piper's parents and Cal. But their calls were left unanswered and when they resorted to calling Alex and asking her about how her wife was doing, the woman's only response was a standard "She just needs some time." Which was true, except for the fact that she doesn't even know if that's the truth anymore. When she found her in their bedroom with blood all over the bed, that was the last time she registered any sort of emotion from her eyes. She'd let her grief swallowed her whole.

Once she had enough strength, Piper dragged herself out of bed and went to see the nursery room. She found Alex kneeling down, dismantling the crib. Most of the stuff they've bought were already piled up in boxes.  
"What are you doing?"  
Her wife felt like she got caught red-handed, and didn't give an answer. She averted her eyes back to the crib, wrapping the parts in a bubble wrap and tucking them away in the box, hidden from sight.  
Piper leaned her shoulder on the doorframe and watched.  
"Pipes…" the crackling sound of the plastic served as a much-welcomed distraction for Piper. She only gave Alex a light nod. "It's fine."  
Alex had never hated those words more.

When she had finished, the room was cleared. Empty, with soft purple colored-wallpaper and a row of sheep plastered on every side.

* * *

Piper invited everybody over for Thanksgiving. It had surprised Alex, but she was pleased to see Piper moving about and actually making herself busy. They shared a genuine smile while diving the grocery list, the first one in a long while. Alex could see a little glimmer of the old Piper, forcing her way back out of the darkness.

It became an unspoken rule that everyone could see how Piper was still trying to cope, but none of them would say anything unless she brought it up first. Even Polly and Pete were walking on eggshells around her. Finn, who was 9, and Maggie, barely 4 years old, were completely oblivious and had been following their aunt the minute they walked in. She picked Maggie up and carried her to the sofa, played the iPad with both of them, and read stories.  
Alex was playing hostess most of the time, but her eyes would dart to Piper every five minutes, just in case.

And then, it happened.

She watched as Piper slowly put Maggie down on the sofa, the little girl too busy with the screen in front of her to notice. Finn lifted his head and looked up when he saw Piper got up. "What's wrong, Aunt P?"

"Alex." Polly called over and pointed towards Piper.  
Cal was already lunging forward, but Alex's hand stopped his movement and she quickly handed him her wine glass. "I got it."

* * *

Piper's breathing was shallow and quick, and she placed her hand to cover her mouth as she entered the nursery, fighting back the urge to scream. All the nerves in her body felt like they was snapping, pain traveled to every inch of her being, and all she could remember was that day when she jolted awake and realized something was wrong.

And the blood.  
There was so much blood.

Alex found her curled up in the corner, sobbing. Her mascara had run and she just seemed completely and utterly defeated. Grief had wrapped its fingers and clutched to Piper once again and she was rendered powerless. It was still invading at a rapid speed.  
She saw Alex and crashed her body against hers straight away. She clung onto Alex's neck like it was a lifeline and buried her face in her shoulder. The sobs were inaudible, but her body shook vigorously and would not stop. Alex held Piper and made soothing sounds, running her hand up and down her back.

"I'm sorry."  
"Pipes…"  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  
"Piper…"

"I lost our baby."

Whatever thread that had been so thinly holding Alex together broke loose. She had been assuming the part of strong partner because she thought that's what it would take to pull them out of this shithole. But it was dangerously close to unravelling.

"Babe, look at me." Gently, she cupped Piper's face with her hands and tucked the loose strands of hair behind her ears. "It's not your fault."

As she said it over and over, she felt the lump in her throat closing up, and she realized fighting back the tears would be nothing but a futile attempt.

Everyone has their limits.


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: This chapter is like my Phantom Menace. Good Lord.**

* * *

Alex's bags were ready and waiting for her on the chair. The alarm went off at 3, her hand instantly reaching for the phone and turning it off before she jumped out of bed. Beside her, Piper stirred and kicked the cover but did not wake up.

After a quick shower, she put on her jeans and t-shirt, overlaying it with a plaid shirt. Alex made her way towards the bed and pulled up the blanket just below Piper's shoulders. The woman was in deep sleep; her head facing Alex's now empty side and her face buried in the pillow.  
She hadn't left Piper alone for days after the miscarriage. This would be the first time, and even though this past few weeks things have really been looking up, it didn't stop her from feeling nervous. But she convinced herself that they both needed a little space from each other; not necessarily to get away, but just enough to clear their heads. She had until Thursday to go around with Nicky and have meetings with Hannah, and after that they'd meet in Chicago for a friend's wedding.

Alex leaned down and gave her wife a gentle kiss on the back of her neck, and got a hummed murmur in response. "See you on Friday."

From the street she heard two quick honks. In one quick swoop, she went over to the chair, grabbed her bags, and went out.

* * *

"How can you hear yourself think in here?" Polly's exagerrated gesture of covering her ears had brought a wry smile to Piper's lips. "Seriously, Pipes. This is insane."

"It's music, Pol. It helps me think," she retorted, not looking up from her book.  
Which was a lie. If anything it helped her tune them out.

"Worst liar ever." Polly grabbed Piper's phone and turned off the bluetooth speaker. The noise dropped and the place instantly went quiet. Piper lunged for her phone, but Polly lifted it as high as she could over her head. She reached her other hand for Piper's arm and gave it a squeeze. "Honey, look…"

"I'm fine, Pol."  
"I'm not denying that, Piper. But you're still in a pretty deep funk. I'm not saying I know what it must have felt like, because I don't, and I'm not saying this to be all preachy, but you've got to pull yourself up."

"I am!" Piper hissed through gritted teeth.  
"Look, I know you are, but if you're gonna have another go at this, you need to put this behind you and start over."

_Have another go at it? _

"Feel free to be mad at me if you think I'm wrong, but I'm only saying this because I love you, and I know you're strong enough to recover from this whole thing."

In her mind, Piper was screaming at Polly.  
In reality, she grabbed her book and walked away. "I'm gonna go out for a jog."

* * *

Piper put on her headset and planned to run the entire Park Drives loop. It was a getaway excuse mainly because she was pissed at Polly and didn't know where to go, but as soon as she started, she remembered that she hadn't run in a long time. Barely 5 minutes in, she yanked her headset without stopping and shoved it in her pocket.

By the time she reached the Reservoir, her sweatshirt was drenched in sweat and her legs were burning something fierce. But Piper was determined to finish the run, and so she paced herself, slowing down to a mere jog and then increasing her speed. There were a slew of joggers running either in the same or opposite direction. Some brought their dogs. Some ran alone with the headsets plugged so deep inside their ears. Some roller-skated, zigzagging their way from the runners and the strollers. She had almost always run in the morning, when the park was mostly quiet and daylight had only just broken in. Running in the afternoon brought with it a change of scenery even thought it's the same park, and she gladly welcomed it. What Polly said, though, kept playing in her head like a broken tape.

_Have another go at it._

As if it was such an easy thing to do. As if you could just snap your fingers and then, boom, you're pregnant.  
As if the second time is going to be 100% foolproof.

Her feet slapped the ground, thudding in a steady rhythm, and Piper increased her speed even more that she was almost sprinting, hoping it would shove Polly's words away. Instead, it only made it worse. How could her best friend even say those things, when she had been trying with every fiber of her being not to dwell on it. The jerk.

Maybe, _maybe_ if she thought hard enough, she would admit deep down that Polly had been right. But that just brought up a different set of questions. How would they go about it again? Would it be a good idea to find out why she lost it in the first place? What if it happened again.

_What if it happened again._  
Just the thought of it made her queasy, but Piper didn't stop. She ran faster, ignoring the searing pain that periodically shot from her thighs all the way to her soles.

_Have another go at it.  
_The truth was, she hadn't even thought about it at all. At least not until Polly mentioned it.

When it comes to the whole ordeal, Piper was fully aware of the fact that she had made it through and made significant progress by blocking it all out. The only remnant was the nursery, but through gritted teeth she had managed to not even so much as flinch whenever she went by, and it had gotten easier overtime. She had let her brain take over and swept it under the rug, not because she didn't want to but because she didn't know how. Knowing the miscarriage had happened was inevitable, but not devoting any time dwelling on it was the key.

Or so she thought.

"Oy, Piper, slow down!"

The familiar voice stopped her. Behind her, Pete was wheezing.  
"Pete?"  
"Bloody hell, you're fast."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Polly sent me out to look for you. Hang on a second, I gotta catch my breath." He bent his body forward and held his knees with his hands.  
"How long have you been following me?"  
"2 minutes? 5? Who knows. Listen," he raised his body up. "Polly was really worried."  
"Well, she fucking pissed me off."  
"I'm sure she was just trying to help, Piper."  
When even the goofiest person she'd ever known turned serious, Piper couldn't avoid it any longer. She'd been out here trying to work her way through it, and the first step, she thought, was to admit that Polly had been right. She gave Pete a slow nod. "I know."  
"Look, it's getting dark, and I've got Maggie and Finn with me. Can I take you home?"  
Piper's eyes widened at the mention of the kids, but Pete was quick to explain that he had left them by Great Lawn when he spotted Piper and went after her. Her legs were completely spent and she felt just about ready to topple over, so she agreed.

The kids were very happy to see their aunt again, and so was Piper. Maggie lifted her arms and asked if she would pick her up, but Piper scrunched her nose and spread her arms, telling the little girl she's all dirty from the running. Pete lifted her up and propped her on his neck. Piper took Finn's hand and they all went to the car. Not five minutes after they got in, she watched as the kids' eyes drooped and went to sleep. Running around in the park does give that effect on people. That and moving vehicles.

"So how are you and Alex doing?"  
Piper squinted at Pete from the passenger's side. "Did Polly tell you to interrogate me?"  
"No, no. I genuinely want to know."  
"We're fine." She replied without missing a beat. Which was the truth. They were fine.  
"I apologize if this seems rude, but do you think you'll try again?"  
That one stumped her. What is it with this couple? They both sprang on her like a goddamn bear trap.  
"I… I don't know. We haven't talked about it yet."  
Silence.  
Then, "Damn, I wish I have two moms. That would just be cool."

Piper burst out laughing.

* * *

Chicago was cold and windy, but there's always something about it that Alex loved.

The wedding had gone off without a hitch and by evening, the celebration was in full swing. Piper had come in only a couple hours before, but they both made it on time. Most people were going down to the dance floor, but one look at Alex and the woman only raised her eyebrow and gave Piper a no-way-we're-doing-that look, and Piper knew it wasn't going to happen. They sat next to each other, Alex nursing her beer and Piper taking little sips of the champagne, looking out to everyone out there making goofy moves. Some had them both laughing. In between the song, Alex would steal a glance or two towards her wife. She seemed happy. Genuinely happy. And more at peace. She first noticed it when she picked her up by the gate, but that night she saw more of it.

Maybe it's the lighting. Or the celebratory mood.  
But no. She could tell that something had snapped back, and Piper had dealt with most of it in her own way. There's still ground to make up, but this wsa definitely a sign of encouragement. She'd always known Piper would come through. This wasn't some sappy, damsel in distress. This was Piper.

"You wanna get out of here?" she leaned in and whispered, her voice low and raspy like it always is. Piper pulled her head back and frowned at Alex, but only for a split second before she nodded.

* * *

Sprawled in bed with nothing but their shirts, Alex had begun to doze off but maintained her back against the headboard. Just below her, head leaning against her chest, Piper was reading. "You should go to sleep, your chin keeps bumping on my head."  
The reply was a low, knowing chuckle. "I know. God. Scoot over."

Alex pulled the cover and adjusted the pillow, and once she landed on the bed sleep instantly took over. Traveling around the world used to be so easy. Nowadays she couldn't even go across the coast without feeling sluggish. Jesus. She wasn't even _getting_ old anymore. She _felt_ old.

"Al." Piper whispered, her fingers ran softly on Alex's cheek.  
Alex groaned. "You pick the worst timing, Pipes." Hummed chuckle landed on Alex's temple, along with a kiss. She turned to Piper but only had her left eye open. The other one was too tired and trying to block out the light. "What is it?"

Piper went quiet, mulling her thoughts for a moment or two. "Do you think we should give it another try?"

The brunette forced both eyes open and sat up. Any trace amount of tiredness was instantly washed away. She studied Piper's face before responding. Not a prank. Not a rhetorical question. Not a hint of the opposite.

"You're sure?"

A nod.

"You're _absolutely_ sure?"

Another nod.

"I can't go through the whole thing again, but…" Piper seemed careful with her words, and Alex was just plain confused. _What is she trying to say?_

"What do you think about using a surrogate?"

To be honest, that wasn't even on the table, but hey, it's a viable option. There was no image to associate the word with, no clue whatsoever. Sure, she'd seen stories from TV, or heard about them on the radio, but this had never happened to someone she was close with, and she felt herself trying to grasp the concept.

"Do you still want kids?" Piper asked after Alex had failed to come up with a single response, snapping her out of her thoughts.

The corners of her lips turned upward. This time, the nod came from Alex.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: I thought I would do an extended, more complete version from the epilogue of The Years Between. The next chapters would be a series of vignettes.**

* * *

For some reason, Alex kept flicking her calendar back and forth.

She would check the clock, or walk around her office, or went outside to see how things are going, and then would repeat the whole thing again.

"Alex."

Lucy, the cashier, waved her hand in front of Alex's face. "You're blocking the way."  
"Christ, I'm sorry." She lifted both hands as an apology and moved to the side.  
"What's wrong with you? You've been acting weird today, and it's barely even 9."

_This whole thing has turned me into a nervous wreck._

Before she could answer, though, Jesse popped her head from behind the wall and told her there's a phone call waiting for her in the office. She bolted as fast as she could.

"Hi, Alex."  
Nine plus months of talking to this woman, and she immediately recognise her voice. Alex raked her hand through her hair then lifted her glasses to rest on top her head like she always does. This phone call could only mean one thing.

"Hi. Everything okay?"  
"Yep. The baby's coming."  
If there's ever a moment when she couldn't believe what she was hearing, it was that moment. _Did she actually say what I think she is?_

"My water broke and I went straight down here. I'm gonna call Piper as soon as…"  
"No, no, no!" The respond was quick as she grabbed everything she thought she would need. "I'll call her."  
"Okay. I'll see you both at the hospital."  
"Thanks."

* * *

After they'd gotten home from Chicago, they started looking into agencies and consulted with lawyers. Barely two weeks later, Piper underwent another treatment for her eggs, and Alex was knee-deep as donor filter.

They met with the surrogate through the agency and found out she's done this a couple of times. She had kids of her own but needed money to get them through college and saw this as a way of helping secure the funds, she told both of them. Piper had taken a liking to her openness, and once the interview was over her mind was pretty set. The rest, as they say, is history. Nerve-racking as it was, once they got the call confirming they were pregnant, it all went relatively smoothly. The next day, they invited everyone over for dinner and made the announcement.

* * *

Her wife picked up by the third ring, and Alex's voice rammed on before she could say anything.

"The baby's coming! She's in labour right now! The surrogate!"  
"Al, calm down." Piper's tone was calm, but Alex could hear the chair sliding back over on the other side.  
"Holy fucking shit, Piper!"  
"Seriously, we need to do something about that cursing once the baby's with us. Calm down and pull yourself together. I'll go back and take the bag. You got the car seat?"  
"Yeah, it's in the car."  
"Okay, then put it on the back seat and go to the hospital. I'll take a cab and meet you there."  
"Okay." Alex's breathing was heavy and quick, and Piper could sense she was still panicking.  
"Alex."  
"What?" The retort was meant to be a short snap, but it came out of her mouth sounding more like a whine.  
"You're gonna be a great mom."  
Alex felt her tensed body relaxed a bit and smiled. She told Piper she loves her and that she's on her way. She couldn't walk faster towards the car as soon as she grabbed her car key.

* * *

The baby was already born once they arrived at the hospital, waiting for them in the nursery. They couldn't go in just yet since he's just a newborn, so they had to wait outside the glass wall. A quick scan through the entire nursery, and Piper spotted the **'I'm a BOY'** and the written '**Vauseman'** tag smack in the center of the room.

"Oh my God."  
Small and wrapped in a swaddle, his eyes were closed and his chest was rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm, with tiny little fingers only just sticking out beside his head. His cotton-hat-covered head would wriggle about every now and then, and he would pull the left corner of his mouth so very slightly.

"Pipes."  
Standing beside her with her hair in a sloppy ponytail, Piper took a sniff before answering. "Yeah?"  
"He's fucking perfect." Her low, raspy voice was barely a whisper. Piper slapped Alex's upper arm with the back of her hand, glaring at Alex but gave out a laugh nonetheless.

"No swearing in front of the baby!"  
"What? He can't hear us."  
"You could use some practice."

Piper pulled Alex in for a hug, resting her chin on Alex's shoulder and facing the baby. _Their_ baby. She thought the goosebumps she felt would not go away soon, if ever. Alex was right, though. He was perfect.

* * *

The hospital staff had been very helpful. They taught both of them how to swaddle, which formula to pick, how to bathe him, and how to use carriers or wraps.  
He'd grown pretty fast, too. Piper was there when the nurse was cleaning him and took his temperature, and she swore he was taller than he had been the day before. His cries are loud, which was good because that meant he's got healthy lungs, and he would wriggle his toes once he's out of his wrap. It looked like his hobby for Piper, because he would do it every time.

Learning had been easy for Piper, but for some reason Alex was struggling. She was so deathly afraid of holding the baby.  
"Would you be more comfortable doing it while you sit?"  
Alex's response was a pull of her lips to one side, and a slight shook of her head.  
"What if I strained his neck?"  
The nurse half-rolled her eyes, but was kind enough to explain that the possibility was very unlikely without a mocking tone.  
So that made it easier. A bit.

The next day, a different nurse provided a rocking chair and told Alex to sit down. He brought the baby over and handed him to her. He was still sleeping, but after a few minutes in Alex's hands, he opened his eyes and looked straight at her. She felt her breath caught in her throat. This tiny, tiny human who had given her such… content. She reached her free hand and softly caressed his cheek.

"Hey, Kid."

* * *

After two days, they were allowed to take him home.

"God, what if I'm totally shit at this?"  
Piper gave Alex's another slap, something she seemed to be doing a lot lately. "Language!" she hissed. Reaching into her bag, she handed Alex the car seat with their baby boy sleeping soundly inside. He didn't seem to mind the car ride. He slept the whole way. "Here, you hold him. I have to get the keys."

Alex looked down to take a quick peek. _Jesus, he's gorgeous_, she thought to herself.

Piper went straight to the kitchen once they got in to make some formula and let Alex carried the baby to his nursery. She placed the baby bag by the kitchen counter and pulled out the sterilized bottles and the formula powder. She made a warm one and another one for later, and after checking the temperature, did a little organizing for the baby's stuff. On a small Post-It note, she wrote 'BABY-PROOFING' and stuck it to the fridge next to the baby's sonogram photo.

Piper made her way to the nursery with the bottle in hand. The door had creaked open just a few inches and she leaned to her side to take a look. Alex was cradling the baby and walking slowly, bouncing and rocking only slightly back and forth to make him feel more comfortable. Her eyes never left the baby, and moments later she leaned in to kiss the top of his head. Piper thought she had never seen a more beautiful sight. It's been a rough year for both of them, but they pulled through, just like they always do. Not wanting to interrupt the moment, she pushed the door and made the gap wider, just enough so she could squeeze herself in.

"I got his formula."  
"You want to hold him?"  
Piper shook her head. Truth be told, she was enjoying the view too much. Alex carefully extended her free arm, her other arm holding and rocking the baby. She had become such a pro in a short time, much to Piper's amazement. She shook her head, amused at the twinge of jealousy of Alex's skill.

"I told you you'd be great at this." She leaned over and gave Alex a kiss, then lowered her head down to give the baby one as well.


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: I don't know if what I'm writing is in the 'vignettes' category, but as I said before, from this chapter onwards I'll be focusing the narrative on certain moments.  
Baby name? It's coming.**

* * *

A phone call to Red to tell her about the baby had left the tough Russian in sniffles as she said her goodbye over the phone.

There was still a part of Piper who couldn't believe that she would actually still be in contact with some of the former fellow inmates. Sometimes that part would catch her by surprise. She would take a step back and her self-concious would kick in, making her realize what she was doing. Talking to Red. Video calling Nicky. Discussing the books with Jones. It would just make it all the more surreal. But yet there she was 15 minutes earlier, making a phone call all the way to San Francisco, telling her about the baby and getting bombarded with questions. Red sounded happy. And proud. Piper felt her grin might be permanently plastered across her face.

She walked into their bedroom, brushed her teeth, slipped into her nightgown, then fluffed her pillow and proceeded to uncover the blanket on her side. Beside her, sleeping Alex moved her body along with the ruffling sound. Once she got home from work, she had gone straight to bed, completely spent. The baby monitor was standing by the bedside table, white noise humming along, barely heard. When Piper climbed in, she turned her head to face the other direction and curled her body up.

The joy she felt from feeling the cool blanket against her skin is something that still amazes her to this day. Just as she was closing her eyes and slowly drifting to sleep, though, she heard low-cooing sounds coming from the monitor.

And then, right on cue, a wail.

Piper brought her hand up to cover up her face, and Alex gave out a growl and mumbled "the little rascal". She scooted closer to Piper and circled her arm around Piper's waist, pulling her closer and buried her face between the space of Piper's neck and shoulder.  
"It's your turn." She mumbled, her low voice vibrated against Piper's shoulder blade.  
She patted Alex's hand and whispered, "I know" before getting out of bed.

He was still crying when Piper put down his formula and leaned over to the crib. His mouth wide open, his eyes still closed, and his face all red.  
"Come here, little guy."  
She carefully lifted him up; one hand securing his neck and the other one scooping his body, positioning his head on her right side and snuggled him in her arms. The crying went significantly quieter. She made sure he was calm enough, bouncing him a few times, before opening the bottle and placing the bottle nipple in his mouth. He was still letting out cries, and it took a few seconds before he calmed down completely, but he eventually did and proceeded to drink the whole formula. She smiled at herself, feeling satisfied. This felt like a victory, one that she vowed would never take for granted.

He had drifted back to sleep fairly quickly after Piper checked his diapers and re-wrapped his swaddle, and even though Piper knew he would wake up again in about 3 hours, she wasn't complaining.

There was also a part of Piper who couldn't believe her luck. That after all she'd been through, she would end up right here, in this nursery, with her son. And that just across the hall, her wife was waiting. Prison had been a chapter in her life, sure, albeit a crazy one. And in truth, maybe the uncanny connections she had made would never really cease to amaze her every now and then, but that's all in the past.  
These days, she's more interested in the present.


	6. Chapter 6

The emergency room door flung open, and Alex dashed inside. Piper followed suit behind her with the baby wrapped around in a sling carrier. He was fine during the day but just after dinner his temperature had risen along with a runny nose and cough, and he's been crying and fussing almost non-stop. As soon as they walked in, his high-pitched screech filled the almost empty room and made the on-call nurse look up from her desk.

"Is there a doctor on duty? My kid is sick." Piper could hear the restrained tone in Alex's voice, trying to keep it together and not to panic, but she knew better.  
Behind the counter, the nurse handed her a clipboard with some forms attached. "I need you to fill this in first."

"Look, lady, can he just see someone now while I'm filling the form? I think he's having a fever."  
"No, that's not possible, Ma'am."  
"Jesus, just listen to him! He's miserable!"

Alex's half-yell only made the baby cry louder. Piper took off the sling, propped him up on her lap, and rubbed his back up and down in a soothing manner. "Al, really, there's no need to be so loud. You're upsetting him." She lowered her head down and kissed the top of his head. "It's okay, Jack. You'll feel better soon, okay?"  
The trick worked and his crying was been reduced to small hiccups. Piper prayed that it would last at least a minute or two. She kept rubbing his back and bouncing her thigh up and down, trying everything she could to keep him more comfortable.

"Still hot?" Alex finally sat down with a slump on the chair next to her and began to fill the forms as fast as she could. Once she got to the signature part, she turned and reached out to touch his head. "Poor guy."

They had to wait another five minutes before allowed in the emergency room, another two before a nurse went over, and another five before a doctor finally saw them. "It's just a regular flu. I'll give him some meds to help with the congestion and reduce the fever. Just make sure he gets plenty of rest and plenty of fluids. Baby juice, water, formula; whichever ones he likes. It should be gone within a week or so."  
"Okay," the sigh of relief was very much audible from Alex. "Thanks, Doc."  
"No problem." He smiled and gave the baby a pat on his tummy before going over to the next patient.

In the car on their way home, he had fallen asleep on Piper's lap. Alex was driving; her eyes switching back and forth between the road and the rearview mirror.  
"Alex." Piper reached out her arm and pointed to the windshield. "Eyes on the road."  
"Is he doing okay?"  
"Babe, he's sleeping. He's fine."  
She took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly through her mouth, trying to release all of the tension that had been piling on her. Her grip on the steering wheel finally relaxing, even if only a little. She took the long route back just to make sure the baby would not wake up the second she parked their car. She loves the little guy, but she figured they both could do without his constant crying.

He slept on their bed that night, but they barely had sleep. He would wake up and fuss about, but didn't really escalate to a full on crying fest. Whenever Alex sensed he would start, she scooped her arm over him and pat his back. After a few hours he had settled, and the congestion seemed like it's gone for the day. They both stared and watched him sleep. Little tiny human with chubby cheeks and chubby hands and chubby feet, breathing in and out steadily, finally settled.

Alex leaned over and hovered her lips on his forehead, giving him a flutter of a kiss.  
_Jesus, Kid. You scared me a bit there._


	7. Chapter 7

Alex had just fixed the dishwasher drain when it hit her.

_When did I become so domesticated?_

She supposed it happened gradually; over time, over moments. Little things that she had taken on unassumingly, like grocery shopping, or cooking instead of eating out, or watching TV in bed instead of going out, or fixing the appliances herself instead of calling a guy. She did fun things, too. Only now they include... Babies. And wife. Double dates with Polly and Pete. And hitting the bed by 10.

No more adventurous Alex, running around all over the world, stressed shitless by her shipments. No more impromptu trips to the Caribbean, or Europe, or wherever the hell she felt like it.

No more Wing-It-Vause.  
The closest she'd come in contact with even the slightest of adrenaline rush was when the dairy vendor for her café had shipped cartons of stale milk.  
Nowadays, winging it was when Costco didn't have their usual diaper brand of choice, or when Jack was fussing about all night and she and Piper had to try almost everything to get him to sleep. Or trying to sneak in a little alone time with Piper without his crying interrupting them in the middle of it.

Jesus.  
Even that sounded depressing, now that she thought about it.

She huffed, momentarily lost in thought.

Speaking of the little devil.

He was sitting in his playpen, surrounded by plush toys and beanbags, too busy with his favorite elephant to notice Alex staring at him. Once he was bored, he crawled to the fence, setting his grip before lifting his whole body and stood up. He seemed pretty confident even though his legs still wobbled, and he smiled at Alex, showing off his newly grown teeth.  
Damn if he isn't adorable.

She cursed inwardly for being such a sap.  
That's another thing. The reality that she was now a sappy, domesticated person would always make her cringe. Not that it's a bad thing, but still.

Her cellphone rang and caught both hers and Jack's attention. Alex put down the wrench she'd been holding and wiped her hands on the sides of her pants before picking it up. Her eyes darted back to Jack in a flash.

"How was the flight?"  
"Shit." On the other end, Piper's voice was hoarse and tired. "When did I become such a nervous flyer?"  
"Um, you've always been a nervous flyer."  
"Okay, yeah, you're right, but this one was _awful_. I was very ji..."

"Pipes he walked." Her tone was almost flat from shock. She saw him turned his body and held on to the fence with one hand. His free arm was flailing while he did it, and it was only about an inch. But he'd moved. Alex couldn't believe her eyes.  
"What?"  
"I mean, I don't... He took a step! Holy sh- Wait, hang on!"

She put her wife on speakerphone and carefully went inside the playpen. Once Jack saw her, he let go of the fence, standing by himself for the first time. She almost went forward to grab him out of instinct, but she resisted the urge and instead stretched out her arms, wriggling her fingers urging him to come closer. "Come here, Bud."

"Is he really walking?" Piper's voice came through. Alex reached over and changed it into a video call; one hand holding the phone, the other still stretched out. "Come on, Buddy. I'm right here."

His whole body was jiggling and his left foot looked like it was ready, but just as he was going to step forward, his upper body preceded and he fell forward. Alex could hear Piper gasped, and she didn't have time to react, but Jack caught himself, propping his arms to keep his body from slamming the padded floor. He was up again in an instant, determined. Laughing as if it wasn't even remotely worrying.

"You seeing this?"  
"Mm-hmm."

Alex stretched out her arm again. He was cooing the whole time, mumbling jumbled words and letting out little shrieks of laughter. This time he actually managed. One wobbly foot in front of the other, then again, and again.  
Then he tumbled forward.  
Alex lunged forward and caught him by his chest. He was still guffawing, the little rascal, and she lifted him up and held him in her arms.

"Say hi to Mommy, Jack." She showed him the phone. Piper was still in the airport with grey walls and rows of seats behind her, and still looked exhausted, but she gave him the biggest smile and a little wave. "Hi, Buddy!"  
He flailed his arm and gave her a wave back. Piper gave him a thumb up and blew a kiss. He flashed her a smile, then quickly buried his face on the crook of Alex's neck.  
"You embarrassed him, Pipes."  
"Aww," she chuckled, and then turned to Alex. "Anyway, I gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow."  
"Alright. Love you."  
"Love you, too. Bye-bye, Jack. I'll see you soon, okay?"  
She gave both of them a wave, and the screen turned back to it's numbers keypad. Jack pulled his head from Alex's neck and reached over to pat the phone with his hand. Alex chuckled and gave him a kiss on his cheek. His response was a delight squeal and a series of random mumbles. "Way to go, Kid."


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: A slight revision to the previous chapter and here we are. Too much fluff is not good for the heart.**

* * *

Alex was sitting on the kitchen bar, nursing a cold beer and staring at the fridge. She had no idea how long she's been there. Must've been hours. Certainly felt like it.

She reached over and finished her remaining beer in one bug gulp, then tossed the can in the bin, making a loud clank and echoed across the entire apartment. A part of her half-expected Piper to climb down the stairs and glared at her, but there was no sign of movement from the 2nd floor.

They had been arguing on their way back from dinner and had resorted to giving each other the silent treatment. Piper threw a 'fuck you' and Alex didn't retort back, thinking she'd deserved that. In all honesty, she would have done the same thing as Piper if the roles were reversed. Alex was fully aware how much of a jerk she was being, but she didn't stop herself. If anything, she'd purposely let herself _be_ one. She was aware of the reason behind her acts, but to admit it is a whole different thing altogether. It would mean acknowledgement and giving 'it' way more power and control over her than she would have liked.

'It' was not just about moving to a new house, or raising a child, or being married, or owning and running a business, or anything in particular. 'It' was a culmination, a collage of things that, unbeknownst to her, had been chipping away at the way she looked at herself and the way people looked at her. After marriage, she'd quickly become "Piper's wife" or "partner" or "Mrs. Vauseman". Shortly after Jack arrived, it's "Jack's Mama." Alex was no longer Alex Vause, the individual. She was Alex with multiple identities.

'It' had been gnawing at her little by little throughout all these years, but she'd always managed. Pushed it back. Ignored it. Distracted herself with work. Her time in prison served as a permanent reminder that things could turn to shit at any given moment. There's no way she's going back there a second time.

But she could only avoid it for so long.  
'It' was winning.

If the fight had brought up anything, it's the realization that for the first time in a long time she was made aware of how much she'd slowed down. And she didn't really like what she was seeing.

With the beer gone, she walked over to the fridge again after turning off the lights. Only several cans left, spread to the left side on the top of the shelf. She grabbed the one closest to the door along with a Snicker bar.  
Bud wasn't even her favorite, but for the moment it served its purpose. She downed half of it in a flash, took a bite of the Snickers, and proceeded to finish the entire thing. The warm heat quickly traveled from the pit of her stomach all the way to her cheeks and she felt a bit tipsy, but a light shook of her head and it's gone.

Upstairs, she heard a door opened and closed, followed by another one. Piper was checking on Jack. She tossed the wrap and empty can and made her way up, hoping to avoid meeting Piper in the hallway. Once she got to the top of the stairs, Piper was closing the nursery door with Jack tucked on her left shoulder. She stopped in her tracks for a millisecond and wanted to head back down, but once she saw Jack, the thought was abandoned.

"Is he okay?"  
Piper turned with her hand on the boy's back. He was sleeping, but Alex's voice had stirred the little guy.  
"He's cranky. I think he might be having a temperature, so I'm putting him in our bed."  
Alex went over and ran her hand on his head before leaning in and giving him a kiss. He did feel a bit warm.

"Alex…"  
"Pipes, I'm sorry about earlier. It was uncalled for." Alex lifted her hand in a stopping gesture halfway to her stomach, "But I still don't want to talk about it. Especially now." She pointed to Jack. "I'll be in in a minute."  
For the time being, Piper relented and brought the little boy back to their bedroom.

Alex waited until he was settled, which was not long. Piper ran her hand up and down his back and pretty soon he was sleeping on his stomach with his little mouth slightly open and his head turned to Alex's side. The blonde then propped her pillow against the headboard and sat up, her eyes were visibly drained, and her shoulders slumped. Alex thought she had never seen Piper looked so out of it.

"I just…" Piper let out a long sigh, trying to push her exhaustion away. "Is there something you want to tell me?"  
Alex blinked. "What?"  
Another sigh. "Don't do that."  
"Do what?"  
"There is something going on with you, and you and I both know it. The only difference is I don't actually know what it's about unless you tell me."  
Alex averted her eyes from Piper and looked down. Her wife's guess had been on point; not that she was subtle enough to hide it, but she hadn't expected Piper to be so blunt.  
"We're not twenty-something wild girls anymore. Being passive-aggressive is not going to solve anything, so if you have something to say, then say it."  
Alex had to let out a chuckle on that one. "And I thought I was the blunt one."  
"_Alex_…"

The brunette lifted her hands in surrender, and Piper only just managed her temper. Alex knew Piper had been right, but she wasn't exactly done wrestling her thoughts, and she was hoping by next morning it would all be gone. That possibility had just flown through the window.

"I think I need to go."

Piper had never been good at hiding her emotions, and this time was no different. Her whole body visibly tensed and she jerked up immediately. She could feel her heart took a plunge and never really landed, and a million different thoughts raced through her mind. Blindsided was a major understatement.  
_Leave?  
_She was rendered with opening and closing her mouth, trying to come up with a coherent response but did not managed to come up with one. When she did find her voice again, it only came out in the faintest whisper.  
"What?"

"Clear my head for a few days. I'm… I don't know, Pipes, but if I don't do this, I might just go crazy."  
"I'd say you already are." She quickly retorted, leaning back to the pillow and folded her arms. Piper was almost instantly relived that she'd been wrong, but it didn't eliminate the fact that the whole thing had came out of nowhere.  
"I'm not… Jesus, you didn't think I was going to actually leave and not come back, did you?"  
"Don't _fucking_ turn this around on me. We're talking about _you_ wanting to leave."

Her words had stripped Alex of any pretenses and left her feeling self-conscious and completely exposed. Piper only mouthed the curse word, but the venom in her tone was all the same. Alex looked away again, setting her gaze to the curtains as if she was looking for answers or a lifeline. She fiddled with her glasses, taking it off and pushed it to the top of her head a few times out of anxiety. The knots in Piper's stomach slowly eased up and her flaring anger was replaced with concern.

"I'll be back, Pipes." She finally spoke after a long silence.  
"When?" Then, before Alex could even respond, Piper fired back. "If you go back to that old stuff again, I swear to God…"  
This time it was too far, and she shot Piper a look. "That's a low blow and you know it."

Piper shook her head and got out of bed. "I'm not having this whole fight again. You wanna go? Then go."  
It had been what Alex wanted, but to hear Piper said those words with such nonchalance threw her off. She felt so far removed from her own bedroom, like she had overstayed her welcome. Piper's eyes dropped and she turned over to Jack, still sleeping, oblivious to the whole thing. Alex walked over to the closet, grabbed a bag, and packed light. She took one last look to her wife who was refusing to return her gaze, and then to her son. But she approached Piper anyway, wrapped her hand around her waist, and slowly pulled her in to give a kiss on her left temple.

"I'll call you."

Piper turned her head and met Alex's gaze. For a fleeting moment she could see Alex was telling the truth. And then it's gone. She realized whatever attempt she'd make to pry it wide open would be futile, so she had no choice but to relent.

"Okay."


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: This one is rather short, but I'm already working on the next one. And apologies for the late update, I'd just gotten back.**

* * *

"So, how was Red?"  
"Older. But still tough as hell. I may or may not have gotten a head smack or two."  
Piper laughed, and she heard Alex's low chuckle from the other end. "Pretty sure you deserved that."  
"Yeah, I did."

From the trolley seat, Jack randomly picked out some snacks from the aisle and lifted it up to Piper's face. She shook her head at him and took it from his hands, then put it back on the shelf.

"Have you planned anything for his party?"  
Piper didn't answer straight away, grabbing the trolley handle instead and pushed to another aisle. Ever since Alex left she couldn't focus her thoughts on Jack's birthday party, so she hadn't really dwelled on it that much. Alex sounded like she was really curious about it, but a part of Piper felt like she'd asked to keep her from fishing for more information. This whole debacle they were in had left Piper feeling emotionally exhausted, no matter how much she would try to understand the real reason why Alex had left in the first place. A party is the furthest thing from her mind right now, and she was sure she'll get to it on time. As far as she was concerned, they were all still on a roller coaster, no matter how many times Alex had tried to convince her otherwise.

"Well, are you going to be there?"  
"I wouldn't miss his birthday. You know that."  
"Lately I'm not so sure what I know anymore."  
"Jesus, Piper." Alex wasn't even trying to hide her exasperation.

Jack seemed to have heard Alex's voice, because he lurched his hand to the phone and babbled non-stop.  
"I think he wants to talk to you."  
"Sure. Put him on."  
When his mumbling and raspberries sounded clear to Alex, the brunette finally spoke.

"Hey, Kid. How've you been?"  
Babble.  
"Good? Been taking care of mommy?"  
More babble.  
Then he said "Mama".

Piper's eyes widened in surprise and she could hear Alex's laugh and urging him to say it again. A man was passing by with his daughter in the trolley, and he gave Piper a knowing smile before walking on.

He said it again, then giggled as Alex praised him through the phone.

"Pipes," Piper took the phone away from Jacks ear and snugged it between her ear and shoulder.  
"I gotta go. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Before she could catch herself, Piper decided to give it one more try.  
"Alex?"  
"Yeah."  
"Are we going to talk about this?"  
A pause, and Piper could only hear Alex breathing through the phone.  
"I can't answer that yet."


	10. Chapter 10

True to her words, Alex came back in Jack's birthday.

She slipped into the parlor and went mostly unnoticed by the guests just as everybody began to sing "Happy Birthday". The little boy seemed to notice as his face lit up instantly and turned his head to Piper, lifting his arm and pointed at Alex. She gave her wife a little wave, and Piper nodded at her direction. The cake was cut and distributed, and they had assumed their roles for the party; Piper was busy supervising the kids and Alex was making her way to the adults, playing hostess. But they barely talked or even looked at each other. For a brief moment, everything Piper had been feeling for the past two weeks washed away completely when she saw Alex, but they came back as quickly as they went. She wasn't foolish enough to think that things would automatically snap back and they'd picked things up where they left off, but Alex seemed to think so.

Which made her angrier.

Polly left with her kids and took Jack with her, promising them ice cream. Piper took her time cleaning the kitchen, purposely avoiding Alex who was unpacking upstairs. Her mind went back to all those years ago, when she saw Suzanne in the toilet, cleaning, and remembered what she had said about coping. How fitting, considering that's what she was doing with all this mess.  
She was still wrestling with her thoughts when Alex came down and picked up a large trash bag and began shoving used paper plates in. Every inch of Piper felt like coming loose. _How long is she going to play this game?_

She slammed the dishwasher close.

"You're a real piece of work."

"Excuse me?"

"You think you can just march in here and then pretend like nothing happened? Are you _fucking_ kidding me?"

"Christ, Piper."

"No, _do not_, 'Christ, Piper' me! You have no idea what you've put me through!" She was heaving and her voice had never been louder. If there was a plate in front of her, Piper was sure she would've thrown it.

"Do you honestly think I wanted to leave you and Jack like that?"

"The only thing I know is that you left, and I think I deserve to know why. Why you wouldn't even try to talk first before bailing."

"I don't need you to save me, Piper. I can ta-"

"I'm not trying to save you, Alex, I'm trying to help you. If you can't tell the difference, then fuck you. And this?" Piper gestured, waving her hand back and forth in the space between Alex and herself, "_This_ is worth saving."

When Alex didn't manage to come up with a single response, Piper shook her head and mumbled, "I can't believe how fucking selfish you are."

Maybe a part of Alex knew that she was, but hearing someone else said it rather than herself was like getting hit by a sledgehammer, and made her more aware of her selfishness. She turned her head to the side and dropped her gaze, biting down her lips and trying not to shed tears, and Piper felt her anger slowly dissipating at the sight. Alex looked more lost now than she had before she left.

"I thought… I had changed into this whole other person that I don't even recognize anymore. But now I'm starting to wonder if I had even changed at all."

She pulled up a chair from thebar and slumped into it, totally defeated. She fiddled with her glasses. Looked out the window. Squeezed her eyes shut and tilted her head back. She was still battling herself, determined to not show any signs of weakness to anyone, not even Piper. But one sniff and red eyes had revealed that this was a battle she could not win.

The blonde woman slowly walked towards her wife, stopping just an inch from her. She placed her hands on Alex's shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze.

"Is that why you left?"  
Alex looked up to meet Piper's eyes and nodded.

It had been intended for comfort. But as Piper's lips fluttered on Alex's, it quickly turned into something more. The brunette automatically assumed the dominant role out of habit, pulling Piper closer and tugging at her shirt. Just as she was pulling it up, Piper grabbed her hand and laced their fingers, giving Alex a deeper kiss, suggesting that this time it's going to be different. It took a few times as Alex kept trying to break her fingers free and take control, but Piper patiently stayed with her. She would stop and looked into Alex's eyes as she entwined their fingers again and again, giving small kisses as a reward.

Eventually, Alex gave in, and Piper moved about as if she were made of glass. Her fingers only just fluttered above her skin. She rolled up Alex's black t-shirt before pulling it off, their mouths met again as soon as it landed on the floor. Piper moved down to kiss every inch of Alex's neck, then the space between her breasts, before giving each one a kiss while her hands worked on Alex's jeans.

After all these years, the vulnerable side of Alex was still an enigma to Piper. She had rarely seen it, if ever. Alex had made it her priority to keep that part of her as private as possible, even from Piper.  
The first time she was ever allowed to see it was years ago in Paris, after she'd learned her mom had died. Piper didn't know much about what happened after that, though, seeing as she left even though Alex had begged her to stay.  
The second time was when they'd lost their baby; when she finally broke down in the nursery, holding Piper as she furiously shook her own tears away. She had managed to hold them together largely by ignoring the fact that it had affected her just as much, putting on the task of pulling both of them out of it all by herself. And she did it, even if only barely.  
The third time, was this moment. Alone in the apartment, their clothes off, their fingers slipped into each other. Pumping. Panting. Moaning. Alex clung on to Piper for dear life and pressed their bodies tighter as she was on the edge. A couple of deep, rhythmic thrusts along with Piper's thumb circling the edges of her clit made her whole body shook as she jerked away her release. She crashed her mouth into Piper's without missing a beat, returning the favor, and Piper's stifled moan into Alex's mouth came not long after.

They let the quiet settled and filled the space for a long time, staying in their position, holding each other. Alex was looking out the window with Piper nuzzled up to her neck.

"Pipes."  
"Hmm?"  
She gave Piper a long kiss on her forehead. Her eyes were closed as she did, and her lips lingered. She was about to pull back but decided to give Piper another one.  
"Nothing."


	11. Chapter 11

**Note: I hope this clears the air, as the previous chapter was lackluster (to say the least) in conveying what I had meant. Also, (I should've done this since Chapter 8) shout out to _pratz_ for giving me the inspiration for this short storyline.**

* * *

"Can I have another cup?"

The waiter frowned at Alex, saying _this is your third one _with his eyes, but Alex just flashed him a smile and off he went. She didn't need him to suggest how nervous she was. She knew. Fingers tapping endlessly on the table, legs twitching, turning or craning her neck every five minutes. Even after all these years, Polly still has that effect on her.

The woman finally showed up, only minutes late, her face a mixture of ambivalence and annoyance. Alex had deliberately arrived much earlier. She didn't want to go down further on Polly's bad list, and based on the stunt she had pulled, she knew she was dangerously close to crossing that area again. It's been a long game for Alex and Polly for them to even be able to look at each other without some form of resentment, but they got there eventually. By the time she and Piper were married, Alex was pretty confident enough she'd made it on Polly's good list.

"So," she dropped her bag on the third chair and sat down with a slump. "You're back."

Alex gave out a casual shrug. Or, at least, an _intended_ casual shrug. She wasn't sure what came across. "I'm back."

"Just so you know, I'm about this close to stabbing you." Polly lifted her butter knife and pointed it at Alex. The other woman couldn't help but chuckled.

"I believe you."

"I mean, Jesus Christ, Alex. Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking?"

What was she thinking, exactly? Now Alex can't even recall. What she did recall was feeling as if the walls were closing in on her. Instead of dealing with it, she decided on the spot that she needed to run. She didn't care where. She also recalled the pit in her stomach, which instantly turned into a black hole once she was out the door. _What am I doing, what am I doing, what am I doing_. But she convinced herself that it was for the best.

Sometimes Alex hated that smug, pragmatic, guarded part of herself. She'd spent so much of her life mastering the art of pragmatism and abandoned just about everything else. It had been her autopilot for Alex. When Piper had confronted her in their bedroom the night of her leaving, she so desperately wanted to grab her wife by the shoulders and spilled everything she had been feeling, even if it would come out as one long, incoherent ramble. But the more she thought about it, the less likely she felt for it to happen.

_"This whole thing is overwhelming me."  
__"I have no idea who I am anymore."  
__"Help me."_

This was anything _but_ practical.

There had never been any room for emotional neediness, and she had taught herself well since childhood. No one would see Alex Vause cry. No one would see Alex Vause as nothing but badass. And yet.  
And yet.  
Admitting would mean going against everything she's ever taught herself. Admitting was scary. Admitting equals defeat. Might as well wave a white flag and say, "I lost."  
And Alex hates losing.

"I guess I wasn't really thinking." She finally replied after spending a good minute mulling over her thoughts, stirring her coffee.  
"That's not good enough. Do you have any idea what you've put your wife through? Hasn't prison taught you anything? Or have you forgotten?"  
Silence.  
"I feel like I'm in a long-ass lesbian TV soap opera that never really ends." Alex almost spat her coffee out but managed to swallow it before bursting out a raspy laugh.

"I've been a major dickhead."

"Oh, we agree on that one. God knows what Piper sees in you, you asshole." Despite her words, Polly laughed.

"Look, Alex, I'm not going to fuck around anymore," Polly leaned her head closer to the table and lowered her tone, signaling she meant business. "If you ever pull that kind of stunt again on her and your son, I will personally hunt you down and feed you to the lions."

Behind Polly, Alex spotted Piper approaching, carrying Jack in her arms. She broke out into a grin and gave them a wave. Piper whispered in his ears and pointed towards Alex, picking his arm up and motioned a wave back.

She swallowed and gave out a nervous chuckle. Damn Polly and her intimidation. "Trust me, I've learned my lesson."

It would be a lie, a pretty blatant one, to say her fears had gone completely and that she'd managed to deal with everything before she went back. As far as she was concerned, no one can manage such fine accomplishments. The truth was it would pop up out of nowhere, like goddamn spring traps. They would often leave her feel anything but badass, and reminded her of just how much she had changed. Intruders.

But she'll be damned if she let them win again.  
Once was more than enough.


	12. Chapter 12

Piper was just about to walk into the elevator when suddenly everything went dark accompanied by multiple cliks and low hum. Her breath got caught in her throat, letting out a barely audible gasp, and she stopped dead on her tracks. _Great_, she thought. _Another blackout_. She reached into her bag and scrambled as fast as she could to take her cellphone out. 30% battery; which is neither good nor bad, but it'll do. She walked back slowly into her office, using the phone as her flashlight. Once she was back inside, she called Alex.

"Pipes? Where are you?"  
"I'm stuck in the office. Blackout. Are you guys okay there?"  
"We're okay. Jack's just about to have his dinner."  
"Okay," she breathed out a sigh of relief. "I don't know when I can make it back, so make sure…"  
"Spinach and juice. Got it."  
"I'll get out the first chance I get. I love you. Bye."  
"Bye."

The room went quiet as soon as she stopped talking. Piper's eyes had somewhat adjusted to the lack of light, and she could make out her office door and the hall just outside, green EXIT lights glinted from the distance. She was pretty sure most of everyone had gone home-not that they have a lot of employees to begin with, except for the security guards. Until she could actually find one roaming around with a flashlight, she decided to stay put. Better to conserve energy than groping around the walls trying to find the emergency exit.  
Plus, she was a bit scared of the dark. The quantity didn't really matter, but she always told herself: _Only a little bit._

Why, on top of everything, must the blackout happen today.

She let out a long sigh as she leaned back on her chair, the momentum swung her back, and closed her eyes.  
Today was an endless stream of appointments and meetings, even before she'd walked out of the apartment. New partners wanting to market their products in their stores. Old vendors trying to haggle a better deal (for them) in a contract renewal. Non-profit organizations. Environmental agencies. Even Constance. Practically anyone and everyone she could think of, and then some. By four o'clock, she felt like she could use a big glass of wine and a long nap. But no, her mother came in just as she was trying to grab some snacks from the pantry. She had brought over some things for Jack _("Alex said he loves listening to stories, so I got him a few books. There are toys in there, as well."_). Carol Chapman announced that she was staying around, so Piper got on finishing her paperwork and drafting an announcement email for Constance's promotion. They ended up walking to a nearby taco stand for a very late lunch. Her mother had a way of treading around other subjects before hitting the headline, but five minutes in and Piper knew she was gunning on about Alex. ("_Yes, Mom, we're fine.")_

And to think that just hours before she had gotten up from bed this morning, she thought about going home early and taking Jack to the park. Maybe surprise Alex with a home-cooked dinner. Maybe even a bath.  
_Damn._

Somewhere in between waiting and trying to will herself not to get pissed off about how this whole day had gone, she dozed off. The sudden burst of light and whoosh of cool air from the AC startled her, and she was up on her feet in no time. She quickly grabbed her bag, shoved her phone inside, and walked into the elevator. Sleep was the first thing that crossed her mind. She definitely needed sleep.  
Although a glass of wine wouldn't hurt.

Walking back to the apartment had been a welcomed change from getting a cab, and she relished the chilly evening air brushing against her skin. It made her feel less lethargic, and she savored the feeling. Tomorrow might be even more hectic than today, but she'd deal with it later when the time comes. Tonight, she just wanted to get home. Slid her key into the apartment door. Opened it and whiff the familiar smell of frangipani from that aromatherapy candle she loves so much. Take off her shoes and feel the cold wooden floor against her feet. A gloriously long, hot shower. And then, finally, collapse into her bed. She smiled just from thinking about it.

The living room was dim, with only several lights turned on.  
Just beside the couch, Alex was sitting on the floor, crossed-legged, lifting Jack high up in the air making the boy squeal in delight. She brought his belly up to her mouth and blew raspberries, and his laugh only got louder.

"Oh hi," Alex flashed her a wide grin, then propped Jack on her lap, his feet immediately planted on her thigh. Bouncing himself up and down from bending his knees. Smiling. Piper felt her insides melt. "I got you Chinese," she motioned with her chin towards the kitchen. "Fried noodles and egg rolls."

There's a thing Piper has always done-a sign of contentment. A drop of her shoulders, a twinkle in her eyes, a shy smile across her face as she slightly folds her lower lip inward. Once she heard 'Chinese', they all showed up on cue. Food. Dear god. She never thought she would swoon over food, but swoon she did.  
Jack reached over and lifted both his arms when Piper was within his reaching distance, but Alex whispered in his ear, "Mommy needs to eat first, okay, Bud?" and the boy seemed to understand, turning his energy to bounce up and down some more. Piper bent down and met Alex's lips with hers, careful not to squish Jack. She kissed her wife softly, lingering for quick pecks. "Thank you," she mumbled in between.

"Rough day?"  
"God. You have no idea. But I don't want to talk about it. Let me devour my food."


	13. Chapter 13

Alex and Piper always pictured Jack growing up to be, amongst other things, a cool kid.

He would read books. _Loves_ books. He would watch TV shows or movies with substance (most of the time. Who can resist a good guilty pleasure?). He would collect vinyl records. Learn how to play guitar. Draw. The whole shebang. Jack Reed Vauseman-the very definition of cool kid.

Which was why it had surprised Alex and made her cringe, just a tiny bit, when she realized how much he loved his Mickey Mouse Ears. Ever since they got him one at the World of Disney store and saw himself in the mirror, he refused to take it off. The thing was practically glued on his head. 'Cool' he was not. He's now 'Mickey Ears lover'.

It had been an impromptu trip, came up and planned within minutes over Sunday brunch.  
"Should we go somewhere? Have a family vacation or something?"  
Piper's brow furrowed. "Where?"  
Alex shrugged. "I don't know. Disneyland?"

Both of them practically beamed with pride when Jack sit contently with his crayons and then proceeded to sleep for the last two hours of the flight. They'd always known his habit of sleeping in moving vehicles, but they never thought he would actually sleep on the plane as well. _His first plane ride and he didn't even fuss! What a champ!_

They arrived at Disneyland Hotel, freshened up, and decided to go the park the next day. So it was pool time for most of the day. He was a bit tense when he got in the first time, but Piper gently tugged at his floaty, leading him around, trickling water all over him from her hands to ease his nerves. Pretty soon he was thoroughly enjoying it. Arms flailing, splashing water everywhere but mostly at Piper's face. The woman turned away to shield her face, laughing. Alex hung by the side of the pool, taking pictures, guffawing along.

As soon as they entered the park, his eyes widened and his whole face lit up. He was so giddy, he refused be lowered from Alex's shoulders and whined when Alex finally brought him down, almost going on a crying tantrum. Lips turned downward, pouting, waterworks at the ready. "Jack." Her low, raspy voice went deeper, a tone that meant business. She shook her finger no, placing him on the stroller. He calmed himself down, swallowing his tears in short hiccups while she secured his seat belts. Alex has that effect on Jack. One stern look, and he knew he would be in trouble if he continued.  
Piper squatted down and gave him a smile, tugging at his Ears. "Mama's tired, Jack. We'll go around in the stroller for a while now, okay? You can still see so many things. If you want to be carried again, ask nicely, please. We can't understand what you want if you don't say it."  
He nodded and wiped his nose with his hand. "Okay."

Hours after hours of rides and a petting zoo later had left all three of them visibly exhausted. They stopped at Café Orleans to grab a bite, and Jack was practically falling asleep as Piper fed him; his eyes drooped and he kept nodding every now and then.

"He looks completely spent."  
Piper gave him one last spoonful and he swallowed dutifully. She leaned his body back against the stroller and he nuzzled in, closed his eyes. Gone for the day. She softly traced a finger on his chubby cheek. "God, those Ears."

"Don't even try to take it off, he'll wail."

Piper lifted her hand, even though she was nowhere near it. "I won't."

Alex finished her sandwich in one bite, rested her chin in her hand, and looked out the window. The place was bustling with people coming in and out, people walking around. It reminded her of the bustling Heathrow, a lifetime ago. All her years of traveling the world, and this was the first time she'd ever set foot in 'the happiest place on earth'. It was mostly overcrowded, and they had to wait quite a long time for every ride, and everything was way overpriced, although she was told that this was still "low season" by Disneyland's standards, a statement which baffled her. No wonder she's never set foot here. Plus, she had never have any reason to. But she saw how giddy he was, how everything seemed new and exciting. JFK and LAX and the hotel and the pool and the park; it all had enthralled him, so it was worth every penny. And, as overcrowded as it was, Alex had to admit that she actually enjoyed it.

She took her phone and snapped a picture of Jack in his stroller, still sleeping.  
She thought about keeping the Ears once they're back in New York.  
She thought how, years later, when he's old enough, Piper would tell and re-tell the story of today, of his undying love for the Ears, complete with pictures for proof. His cheeks would turn red and he would bury his face in his hands from shame.  
Or they would place it in his bedroom and keep it there even after he'd moved out, and every time he comes home, he'll say, _"How is this thing is still here?"_

She could vaguely picture him in the years to come; a blurry vision of teenager Jack, and eventually, adult Jack. All versions of him that she hadn't known yet, but was sure will do. For now, she's perfectly happy seeing him as a little boy.  
Alex reached over and rubbed his tiny legs, and he stirred his body only slightly, adjusting his new position in the stroller.

Maybe he'll tick out all the boxes. Maybe he won't. Either way.

You're_ always cool in my book, Kid. Mickey Ears and all._


	14. Chapter 14

"I bet he has stacks and stacks of porn."

"I think that should be counted as a given."

"Backache pills?"

"Given."

""Mmm… viagra?"

Alex finally let out a laugh, and Piper couldn't help but smile along. The brunette reached over and took Piper's hand, resting on the transmission gear. "Thank you for doing this with me."

Her wife threw her a split second glance and nodded before turning her eyes back on the road.

They were leaving the traffic behind and entered a completely unfamiliar area. Alex checked her GPS and told Piper they should be within walking distance. Another turn to the left, and they saw the worn down green house the lawyer had shown Alex two days ago through a photo.

"This must be it."

Piper turned the ignition key off and turned to face Alex. Her lips were pressed tight, and she placed her hands on her thighs, clenching and unclenching her fingers.

"Al." _Are you okay?  
_A few deep huffed breaths, but no response.  
"Alex." _Are you okay?  
_"I'm fine." A quick, dismissal tone.  
"Alex." _No, you're not._

Finally, she turned. Piper took her fist in her hand, forcing it open, and laced their fingers. They both looked out the window and said nothing, but neither moved. Alex's grip on Piper's hand tightened as she tried to compose herself. "Let's just fucking do this."

They unloaded their tools from the trunk: boxes, trash bags, plastic gloves. Just as they were making their way in, Piper's phone buzzed.

"It's Polly," she showed the screen.  
"I'll make a head start."  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Hand me those."

"Hi, Pol."  
Alex unlocked the front door with the spare key she found under the mat and went inside.  
"How's my big guy doing?"  
"I swear, if Finn was as chill as he is, I wouldn't be as hesitant to have Maggie."

On the background, she heard the two buys yelling and running around. "Boys, quiet please, I'm on the phone." Polly called out, and went back to Piper. "So, how's she handling it?"

"She's fidgety, but she'll be fine, I think. Hey, let me talk to Jack real quick."

"Hewwoooo…" Piper perked up instantly and couldn't help but grin as if he was standing right next to her. "Hi, Buddy!"

Alex had been nervous and silent for most of the ride, which had left Piper feeling the same. She felt a warmth rush over her as soon as she heard his voice, and was suddenly aware of how much she already misses him. It hadn't even been a day. She just wanted to go back and take him in her arms and cuddle him, tickle his belly to hear his gleeful laugh.

Jack's short attention span brought the conversation to a somewhat abrupt end, and Piper felt a pang of disappointment. Polly said he saw Finn walking with a T-Rex toy, and that was that. She shoved her phone in her pocket and gingerly entered the house.

From the outside, it didn't look the part, but once she went in, Piper realized how small it was. She was standing on the welcome mat and she could see the entire layout: living room, the door for the bedroom and bathroom, and a peek of the kitchen. That's it. It also became clear that the place wasn't well maintained. It had signs of mold, and dust piled on so thick that Piper could feel it creeping up her nasal passages, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Some of the floor corners had creaked up, peeling wallpaper, and water stains on the ceiling formed like a bad abstract figure with gaping holes in splotches. Piper swung her arm over her mouth, covering it with her elbow.

The brunette showed up from the other end of the house, dragging two plastic bags on each hand. "You want some mask?"

A nod.

"Over there by the table. I cleaned up the living room and the kitchen, so that should leave us with just his bedroom."  
"That's fast." Which was met by a shrug. Piper leaned over to grab a mask and put it on. She grabbed two empty plastic bags before walking over to Alex.

The room, surprisingly, was not as bad as the outside. It was still pretty much the same, but with less dust and mold; the air just clean enough to breathe without masks. Piper moved to one side, opening her trash bag and waved it forcefully in the air to get it opened up.

"Fucking piece-of-shit jackass!"  
The blonde woman turned. "Alex?"  
"He'd never even bothered to look for me. Not once. Not ever. _I _had to look for _him_. And when I found him, all he said was "I could've accidentally fucked you." I mean, who the fuck says that? He didn't even blink when I left with Fahri. He knew who Fahri was, and he didn't do shit. Too busy with his old, stoned groupie and his drugs."

Piper froze when Alex mentioned the name. _So that's how they met_. All these years and she hadn't known.

"I swore to myself, 'that's the last time'. Now he's dead and I'm supposed to clean his things based on some random biological _bullshit?_" her voice quivered as she tried to shake her anger away. "Fuck this!"

Piper had seen many versions of Alex, and she genuinely thought she'd seen them all. But as she walked over and wrapped her hands around her wife and pulled her closer, she realized that this was the first time she'd seen Alex completely fell apart.


	15. Chapter 15

Saturdays are the Vauseman's favorite day. Alex can actually get up in the morning without having to rush off to work. Piper likes to sleep in.

Alex likes their place in the morning, and the kitchen was her favorite. There's that moment when the light came through just enough and would accentuate the dark countertop against the overall white tone, making her feel truly at home.  
She would get up early enough to enjoy the apartment to herself, nursing a cup of coffee while catching up on the news, or did a light reading by the balcony as she listened to hear the neighborhood waking up: bakeries opening, a few cars passing by, people walking in and out of their buildings. It was a habit she picked up while in prison; one of the few which stayed with her. Partly because she doesn't like to wait in line for the showers, and partly because she could never fully rest while she was incarcerated. There's always a bang, a screech, a clank, a thud. Which was why she'd grown to enjoy quietness in general so much. Weekends allows her to be still.

She was stirring the eggs when she heard footsteps. "Mama?"

"Hey, Buddy, you're up."

Jack nodded, rubbing his right eye with his hand. "Can I have some ceweal?" His voice was still a whisper-his sleepy tone.

"Yes, but you have to finish the milk this time." Alex put down the fork and picked up her son to sat him down on his red chair. "Which one do you want?"

"Mmmmm… Cheewios."

"Cheerios?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Drink your juice first."

She picked up his bowl, pour in a small amount of cereal, and added milk before serving it up. "There you go, Bud."

Alex went back to the stove, dunked a piece of bread in the egg batter, and placed it on the heated pan, making it sizzle. Two minutes, and she flipped it on the other side. Perfect golden-brown.

"Whatchu makin'?"

"French toast for Mommy," she turned and flashed him a smile. "You want to help?" The boy nodded, spooning the last of his cereal into his mouth.

"You're in charge of the sugar later, okay?"

"Snowwy!" he yelled gleefully. Alex couldn't help but laugh along. They've done this many times for him to know what it meant. "Yes, Kid, like snow. Now finish your milk."

Two triangle-shaped french toasts with a tiny mint leaf on top and honey drizzled all around.  
"Mommy likes bluebewwies." Jack pointed to the plate.  
"Oh, sh— Yep. She does." Alex opened the fridge behind her and took out some blueberries, then placed them around the plate. She did a tap-tap with both her hands, getting rid of dirt, before handing him a small strainer with icing sugar in it. She picked him up from his chair and propped him on a stool. "Okay, Jack. Shake it, but gently."

His face was scrunched and his brow furrowed, concentrating hard. Alex took a peek from the side of his face, chuckling. _So serious_. Small flakes of icing sugar dropping down, visible like miniature snow as he moved his hand up and down.

"What's this?"

Piper was wearing a robe over her tank top and shorts, leaning against the kitchen frame with her arms folded on her chest. Her eyes were still droopy and she looked tired, but Alex thought she caught a glint of a smile there.

"Bweakfast for Mommy!"

Like a new set of Christmas light, Piper's face lit up, and she made her way towards Alex and Jack. "You made breakfast for me?"  
"Mm-hmm," the boy nodded. "We add bluebewwies."  
She kissed the top of his head.  
"I was gonna make you breakfast in bed, but… you beat me to it," Alex lowered her head and gave Piper a quick peck.

"You like it?" Jack asked, a blueberry in hand.  
Piper grinned and swallowed her toast, giving him another kiss, this time on his cheek. "I love it."

This Saturday, Piper went to get flowers for the house and some books for Alex and herself. Alex brought Jack to play in the Hudson River Park, and they met up at Pier 45 for ice cream. This Saturday, like the next ones ahead, was about the three of them, together.


	16. Chapter 16

Alex spotted her wife sitting in the waiting room.

"Pipes!"

"Oh my god, Alex!" The woman slammed her body towards her so fast, it knocked the air out of Alex's lungs.

"Is he okay?"

Piper had always known telling a kid "no" would only make them more curious. She saw it happen with Finn numerous times.

"Don't touch the cables, please." Zap!

"Don't poke the dog, Finn." When Mango yelped and ran out in pain, he cried from shock.

But she was holding a knife in one hand, a phone wedged between her shoulder and her ear talking to Constance, and Jack would not stop running.

"Jack, don't run down the stairs, please." She told him once, and twice, and thrice.

And _wham!_ Followed by a loud wail.

"Yeah, the doctor's stitching his forehead. They told me to wait here. Jesus!" Alex could see Piper trying to maintain a level head, but she heard her wife's quivering voice and saw the tears forming on the brim of her eyes. She cupped her face with her hands and leaned in, foreheads touching.  
"It's an accident, Pipes."

"Mrs. Vauseman?"  
"Yes." both of them answered in unison.  
"He's resting in his room now. Jack's a very brave boy. We closed the wound with 4 stitches, so it'll leave a scar, unfortunately. But the good news is it's not that deep. He's still in some pain, but he should be fine within a few hours. I would, however, like to keep him here overnight, just so we don't miss anything."

"Okay, good." A sigh of relief from both, and Piper squeezed Alex's hand.  
"Can we see him?"  
"Sure, I'll take you to his room."  
She squeezed back before walking off together, placing it on the small of Piper's back.

He was sleeping, but a kiss from Alex woke him up. Piper leaned against the doorframe, crossed her arms, and watched.  
"Hey, Kiddo," she gave him a smile. "That's a hell of a scar you got there."  
Jack's only response was a grimace as he scratched the bandaid covering his stitches. "Itchy."  
"I know, but we gotta leave it on for now," she lowered the rail and sat down beside him; one folded foot, the other dangling from the bed. The boy snuggled himself closer to her, settling on her waist as she draped an arm around his tiny shoulders. "You gotta listen to Mommy next time, Bud, okay?" He only nodded without saying anything. She slowly traced circles on his forehead, hoping to soothe him.  
"You promise?"  
He nodded again.  
"No more running down the stairs, okay?"

He held up his head and looked apologetically at Piper. "It's okay." She also gave him a kiss. "Mommy was worried. But I'm not mad."  
"I have to stay here?"  
"The doctor wants to keep an eye on you, so yes, for tonight. But don't worry, we'll stay here, too."  
That seemed to put his mind at ease, and he leaned back to his bed.

This wasn't the first time he's had an accident: a bump here, a scrap there. Bruises. Scratches. But this was a first when Piper had to scram like a madwoman and rush through traffic, Jack crying the whole way with tissues jammed on his forehead. She constantly reminded him to put his hand on his cut to stop it from bleeding out, and reminded herself not to panic and do something stupid. She called Alex after he was whisked away by the doctors, trying to have enough composure to speak without breaking down in tears. This was the first serious incident, and god, how Piper wish it would be the last.


	17. Chapter 17

**Note: Happy Halloween, guys.**

* * *

She never got tired of looking at Piper.

Maybe because every time she does, she would discover something new. There's still a part of Piper she hadn't fully known even after all these years together. She went through the usual phases, of course. First, there were the general details, the ones she'd learned when they first started going out: college, hometown, family, friends, pets, favorites. Things she found out through conversations. Then came the smaller details, the kind of quirks you learn from being with someone: how she would snort when she laughs sometimes (and then proceeded to bury her head on the desk out of embarrassment), how she would continuously tap her hand on her knee when she's feeling nervous (it drives Alex crazy), or how she would kick about in bed when she's having a bad dream. She would be sitting right across this woman while having coffee, listening to her stories, and she would notice how her eyes would hint out her impressions before she even finished.

"Al, stop staring. You're freaking me out."

She was standing a mere inch away from Alex, trying (and succeeding) to keep her flower pin in place, and all Alex could think about was how blue Piper's eyes are. Not like the sea, but like when the sky was almost washed with thin gray clouds.  
That and kissing her.

"Alex," the woman waved her hand between their faces. "Snap out of it or we're going to be late."  
The brunette raised her eyebrow in response. "Sorry. You're just too hot, it's hard to take my eyes off of you."  
Piper threw her a smirk. "Sappy."  
"Hey, I'm allowed to be sappy at weddings. Speaking of which, who does a wedding on Halloween?"  
"Apparently, Cal."  
"Jeez. I mean, you'd think he'd be married by now. He got engaged while we were in prison, remember?"  
"Well, you know Cal. He's…" she turned, her back facing Alex, choosing her words. "Eccentric. Do me up, please."

She did, and her hand lingered, fingers traveled slowly up to the nape of Piper's neck. The fish tattoo was still there, and she leaned in and gave her a kiss. "You remember our wedding?"  
A chuckle escaped from the blonde. "Okay, you're _really_ sappy today." Her brow shot upwards. and Alex only gave her a shrug in reply. "Plus, I'm not the one who forgot our anniversary _twice_." A low laugh from the brunette.

"Oi, Maid of Honor. Come on! Party's about to start." Pete's head peeked through the tent. "Wow, you two look fantastic!"  
"Is Jack out there?"  
"Yeah, he's with me right now."  
"Give me a minute."

The little guy was holding Pete's hand and gave both Alex and Piper a huge smile.  
"Aw, look at you, all dapper," Piper gave him a smile back. "You ready, Jack?"  
"Yep."  
"Okay, hold Mommy's hand."

It had surprised Alex that Cal and Neri agreed to have a barn wedding. It had surprised her that they agreed to have a wedding, period. She'd figured they would just have someone over to officiate, or just go to City Hall and get a certificate. She had suspected Carol talked them into it, and was proven right when she took her seat between Polly and her mother-in-law.

"I knew I could convince them. Look at this place. Isn't it beautiful?" Such pride and joy. Polly and Alex nodded and made compliments about the place. It really was. Outside, the door were left open with curtains pulled to each sides, two white old windows with scribbles on the glass leaned against the doors, contrasting the colors, along with draping flowers on top for accents. There was a seat on the corner, with an array of pumpkins, all shapes and colors. Inside, the barn posts were laced with white roses, beige carpet as the aisle, along with carved pumpkins with tea candles inside at the end. If there's one thing Alex can't deny, is that Carol Chapman had taste. She suspected the bride and groom had something to do with the pumpkins, although she had to admit they're not done in a tacky way. Alex had come away impressed with the whole setting.

First Neri's sister walked in.  
Then Maggie.  
Then Piper, leading Jack by the hand.  
And finally, Neri, arm-in-arm with Pete.

Alex threw a glance at Cal for a split second and she couldn't decide if he looked nervous, or happy, or about to faint. Maybe a little bit of everything.  
She looked back at Piper. The blonde gave her a wink before turning to face the altar.  
On her left, Polly was paying close attention.  
On her right, Carol was sniffling.

From the altar, Piper turned to Alex again after helping Jack give the ring to Cal.  
'I love you'.  
A smile from the brunette, one people said she had just for her wife.  
'I love you, too.'


	18. Chapter 18

Business expansion meant Piper had to travel often, leaving Alex alone with their son for days, sometimes stretching out to a full week. It used to be her running around tasting the world. Now it's just the opposite, and their reversed roles was not something she wasn't aware of. She didn't mind, though-she knew she doesn't have it in her to have another sprint around the globe like she did years ago-but to say that she doesn't miss traveling would be a flat out lie. Not one fiber of her part missed her old job hauling money and drugs all over the world, but she would see the rice field in Vietnam in a documentary, or the Uluwatu Temple on the travel channel, or just come across a random story about London or Paris, and the memories would wash over her. How she would love to visit those places again; being nothing more than a tourist.

She was walking along the Seine when a poke landed on her cheek, followed by a soft whisper.  
"Mama."  
The sheet felt cold against her skin, and beside her, Jack had placed his face mere inches from hers. Seine had been nothing but a dream. _Damn_.  
She tried to wake herself up by blinking rapidly a few times, before draping her arm around the little boy's shoulder. "Whats up, Bud?" He did not answer, but Alex heard his sniffles, and she knew he'd had another rough night. "Bad dream?"

Jack asked her to turn on the light, so she reached over and flicked the switch for her beside lamp and put on her glasses. She saw him rubbing his eyes, his cheeks stained with dried tears, and her heart sank. She couldn't, for the life of her, figured what she's done wrong. He always has trouble sleeping whenever Piper's not around-something that has been happening more and more frequently. He would be fine during the day: they'd go to the park, play hide-and-seek, or she would just set him up with his Play-Doh and his Lego while she's working. Polly or Pete would offer to help sometimes, taking all three kids out for treats. Then came nighttime, and he would be acutely aware that his Mom wasn't there, asking if she's coming back soon every five minutes. Alex hadn't suspected a single thing, he'd been such an easy sleeper before, so it took her completely by surprise; Jack was kicking and tossing and turning non-stop, sobbing in his sleep. She ended up staying awake the whole night. Now he would just walk to her bedroom, snuck in, and sleep beside her.

"You know," she said after she sat up and put on her glasses, "I used to have bad dreams, too, when I was your age."  
He tilted his head and looked up to her. "You did?"  
"Mm hmm. My mom would tell me stories, though, and it would make me feel a lot better."  
"Where is she now?"  
Alex remembered bits and pieces of her childhood, suddenly conscious of how much she misses her mother. "She passed away a long time ago."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah."  
A beat, and he snuggled himself closer to her.

"She was the best."  
"Better than Nana?"  
"Hell, yeah!" The boy giggled, and Alex playfully elbowed him and gave him a wink. "Don't tell Mommy I said that."  
He asked some questions about her mom and Alex couldn't help but feel nostalgic as she answered them.  
What's she like? (_"Oh, she was bada-... She was really cool."_)  
Did she wear glasses, too? ("_No, but she had long, black hair, like me. And big blue eyes, just like yours."_)  
Do you miss her? ("_Every day, Kid."_)

She saw his eyes getting heavier and asked if he was ready for bed, but he shook his head. She turned to check the time: 2.35 am.  
"Tell you what. Why don't we both sleep in your room tonight? Like a sleepover."  
"Will you check for monsters? Mommy always checks."

_Bingo._

"Sure thing."  
"Will you kick their butts?"  
Alex laughed. "I'll kick their butts if I find them. Promise."  
"And you read me a story after?"  
She ruffled his hair and smiled. "What do you have in mind?"  
"Umm..." He put his finger on his chin and his brow furrowed, thinking. "I like the rabbit one."

Alex carried Jack to his room and propped him on the bed before beginning her monster-catching quest. She squatted down to see below the bed, peeked in the closet and the drawers, and tip-toed to check the top of the cupboards. Jack was convinced, and was very sleepy. Once she sat down next to him on his bed, he snuggled against her again and she grabbed the book and began to read.

[*]"There was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen."  
She cleared her throat.  
She read the whole thing, even though the boy had fallen asleep midway through: how the Rabbit longed to be Real, how the Skin Horse had helped him, and how, in the end, he got his wish and turned Real.

It would be easier if she had just let him sleep in her bed, but at some point he had to learn to sleep on his own bed, in his own room. The last thing they wanted was for him to grow up spoiled, and they've spoiled him plenty, thinking he's still a little boy. But it had to start sooner or later, and tonight she took the first step. This was a compromise; a way to ease him back into being comfortable sleeping alone. It can only go uphill from here, she thought, and she'll probably hate doing it and cave in at times. But tough love is necessary, that much she's certain.

She carefully removed his hand that's been resting on her thigh and scooted herself against him in his bed. She stared at him for a while, making sure he was settled before eventually pulled him towards her as she closed her eyes.

* * *

**Note: [*] Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit (1922) by Margery Williams.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Note: Well. It's been quite a journey. I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and leave out reviews and give me suggestions and inspirations. I had a lot of fun writing this piece, but all good things must come to an end, and I feel that the number ****20 is a good place (i**t will serve as an epilogue). The mamas won't be completely gone, though. I would take drabbles and stuff on my tumblr (bereaving). Once again thank you all. This would have never happened without you guys. 

* * *

They went to celebrate New Year's at Times Square years ago. It was chaos, and Piper made Alex promise they would not go back again. Jack, however, seemed hell-bent on seeing fireworks, so Alex rented some bikes and they went off after dinner.

"Remind me again why we agreed to this?"  
"Mama, hands!" The kid was wobbling on her shoulders, so Alex reached up and let Jack grabbed her hands to steady himself.  
"You having fun, Buddy?" Jack nodded, his eyes never veer off from the lights and flickering billboards. They've passed Times Square hundreds of times and he always stares at them, as if seeing them for the first time al over again.  
Alex, it seemed, was also lost in thought. Jack tugged her hand several times to point out something that caught his attention, and she would turn her head slightly in the direction, mumbling "Cool, huh?" or just an absent "Hmmm". He managed to draw out a chuckle or two from the brunette, but the vacant look on her face would return as soon as the distractions were gone.

_"Let's move."  
__"Move?"  
__"Yeah. Move."  
__"Where?"  
__"I don't care. Canada. Germany. Wherever."  
__"Are you serious?"  
__"I can't run a café my whole life, Pipes. That's never the long term goal."_

With bands still playing and the host speaking on every interval, Piper could hear just about every conversation around her. Everybody was trying to beat the large speakers, which only made it noisier and seemingly more chaotic. She had to cover her ears a couple of times when the boom of the microphones got too loud. Beside her, Jack was still propped on Alex's shoulder, talking animatedly and asking when the fireworks are going to start.

"They have confetti, too. You know what confetti is?"  
"No. What is it?"  
"It's those little pieces of paper, like the ones we threw at Uncle Cal's wedding."  
He pondered for a moment, then leaned his head down. "Will they have bubbles?"  
Alex laughed. "No, I don't think they would, but who knows."

Fluorescent lights, Piper learned, has a way of pointing out hidden features. They bounce off her wife's face along with the ads she noticed the delicate changes as she studied Alex's face. The bright silver highlighted the lines and soft wrinkles on her face and the contrast between the plump smoothness of Jack's hand against the rough textures of hers. Most of the time, they would go unnoticed, although Piper supposed that's because she saw her on a daily basis, but there's no avoiding that tonight. She was glad, in a way, mainly because they made her realize how far they've come, and not just remind her of age.

The brunette turned and smiled at her and pulled her close; Piper instinctively wrapped her arm around Alex's waist.  
All the motions were there, but she felt Alex was straining herself to enjoy the moment and be in the present.  
And failing.

She had never even thought about moving to another country before Alex brought it up. New York has always been her hometown, and she loves every bit of it. The second time Alex tried to casually mention the subject again, Piper could tell she'd rehearsed what she was going to say. The real reason, she said, was because she had gotten an offer to be a board member for a company she invested in. She talked to Hannah about the café, the whole thing had been sorted out if she leaves. Another reason was how this was essentially perfect timing since Jack hadn't started school yet, so he can start fresh.

She had been there numerous times this past month alone, albeit on business trips, so it had surprised her when she caught herself thinking about that little restaurant they'd gone to years ago and wondered if it's still there. She thought about how it would feel to drive through Rural England, or maybe even make a quick trip to Paris with Eurostar on the weekends. The longer she dwelled on it, the more it excited her. Even the prospect of having gloomy weather most of the time.

The countdown had begun from 60, and Jack had been bouncing himself on Alex's shoulder. Then it hit 11.

_10…_

She turned to Alex.

_9…_

"Let's do it."

_8…_

"What?"

_7…_

"Let's do it. Let's move."

The edges of Alex's lips turned upward and Piper could see the twinkle in her eyes again. The crowd yelled out "Happy New Year!" with trumpets being blown from every direction and fireworks booming. Jack looked up and was completely enamored, pointing to the big splashes of lights against the dark night sky.  
"Mommy, look!"  
She could feel her wife staring at her as she looked up, so she tilted her head up and gave Alex a second kiss.  
"How's that for a new year's gift?"  
"The best."


End file.
